Telephone Etiquette

This is something bad that I do. I don't answer the phone. It rings, and if I'm doing something else, or if I just don't feel feel like answering, I ignore it. People seem really upset by this. "I rang you about seven last night, but you weren't in." "Yes I was. I was busy eating my tea." "But what if it was important?" (Leave a message. Write me a letter). Why does everyone assume that the telephone gives them the right to butt into my life whenever they feel like it? My mobile's turned off most of the time as well. It's nothing important, but people do seem to regard it as a bit aberrant.
Visit http://millionaireplayboy.com/toys/batphone.php and they'll show you how to make a Batphone.

Stalking

I've got this friend. Well, I used to have this friend: I'm not sure what she is now. I expressed a romantic (for want of a better word) interest and now she won't talk to me. Well, she won't arrange to meet and talk to me. She doesn't respond to phone calls, texts, e-mails, anything. This bugs the fuck out of me. We used to be very good friends, and I would like to know what I've 'done wrong.' It seems my only option is to call on her, or engineer a 'chance meeting' in the street. I have a very strong urge to do this. If I make just one attempt, does this count as stalking? Friends seem to think it doesn't, but I still feel a bit odd about it. Announcing it on the internet is a pretty crap way to start a career as an obsessive weirdo. Whatever, it's another blog entry and something to talk about with my counsellor.
If you've got head problems of any kind, you really should try the university counselling service. It's bloody good and it's free. Details at http://www.wlv.ac.uk/counselling.

I've Been Bad

Went out last night. Got lobotomised drunk and danced to loud music. Got a warning from a bouncer (can't remember exactly why), and I learned to say my name in sign language. Got to bed about five thirty. Had a lecture at ten this morning. Important lecture, getting an assignment back. Woke up at eleven. Next lecture was at two. Important lecture, exam preparation. Thought I'd have a bit more kip. Woke up at three. Crawled out of bed at about four. Next lecture at six. Important lecture, getting another assignment back. Didn't go. Still hungover. Played on the playstation instead. I'm 44 years old and I'm really rather proud that I still behave in this fashion.
As were talking bad, check out http://www.bad.org.uk/.

LIES

"Lipstick on your collar, it told a tale on you

Lipstick on your collar, it said you were untrue

Bet your bottom dollar that you and I are through

'Cos lipstick on your collar, it told a tale on you."

'Lipstick on Your Collar' (Lewis/Goehring)

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

Att. Benjamin Disraeli

"When the legend becomes fact, print the legend."

'The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance' (1962)

Lying: everyone does it. Anyone who says they don't is a liar. Is it bad? Depends on who your lying to . . . and (more importantly) if you get caught or not.

Visit http://www.davesweboflies.com/dwol.htm, it won't give you any great insight, but it's bloody funny.

Picture is from a series of cigarette cards featuring the exploits of Baron Munchausen - the world's greatest liar.

Comment on Ramblings of a Fish

Ramblings of a Fish, http://rburnham34.blogspot.com/, has a post, dated 19th April, dealing with the Virginia university shootings. I understand your shock to some degree, but I find your use of trite emotive phrases such as 'blood on it's hands,' and 'mercilessly gunning down', as well as your use of military speak such as 'clear and present danger', and 'AUTOMATIC LOCKDOWN,' a trifle disturbing. Are you a US government spokesperson or something?

What I'd really like to know though is why you felt compelled to comment on this event and not the 200 people who had the shit blown out of them in Baghdad this week, or the 100 civilians killed in the fighting in Mogadishu? Why isn't there a list of those dead on your blog? What makes 30 dead Americans so important? And blame Charlton Heston, not the university. Sorry mate, but I feel quite strongly about this, and I've got a really shitty hangover.

Anarchy in the U.K.

As we're talking about it, I think someone should mention those kings of aberrant behaviour; the Sex Pistols. For those of you young folk who've never heard of them, they were a punk rock band who traumatised the nation back in the late 70s. What did they do that was so shocking? They swore on teatime TV. They said the F word, and they said 'rotter.' As a result, tours were cancelled, they were sacked by their record lable, and members of the group were attacked in the street. They signed a new record deal outside Buckingham Palace, but were sacked within days. Eventually they got round to releasing a second single. It was a brilliant anti-royalist anthem, 'God Save the Queen,' and the charts had to be fixed to prevent it occupying the number 1 spot during the Queen's silver jubilee week. They recorded one album, 'Never Mind the Bollocks . . ,' and then split up. Bassist Sid Vicious stabbed his girlfriend to death, died of a heroin overdose before he could stand trial, and became a rock'n'roll icon. Other members of the group recorded an extremely tasteless single with great train robber Ronnie Biggs, and singer John Lydon went on to become the sweetheart of the nation when he appeared on 'I'm a Celebrity . . .' many years later.

More important than any of this is the fact that they were one of the GREATEST ROCK 'N' ROLL BANDS EVER! If you want to know more, visit http://www.sex-pistols.net/. It's not a great site, but it will give you an idea.

Comment on According to Miss Woodstock

Check out According to Miss Woodstock (groovy blog name) at http://miss-j-woodstock.blogspot.com/. There's an entry for 19th April titled Domestic Abuse. The blog itself is intelligent, articulate and sincere. But perhaps more importantly, it's on a subject we haven't had a lecture on. Yay Miss Woodstock! Nice to see there's someone out there doing a bit of thinking for themselves. I've just spent an hour searching for a blog to comment on, (if I read one more lame ' shoplifting is so bad' entry . . . ), and yours was like a ray of sunshine, a breath of fresh air, uplifting, inspiring, and numerous other cliches.

Keep up the good work.

In case you don't know, the picture is the character Woodstock from the Peanuts/Charlie Brown comic strip.

Vegetables

Ask any vegetarian, as soon as they announce their dietary leanings, people say, "Oh, really?" in the same tone of voice they'd use if you'd just admitted responsibility for the Holocaust. Strange isn't it? The behaviour of people who choose not to support the mass slaughter of other living creatures is somehow regarded as aberrant. I'm not a herbivore myself, but many of my friends are, and though I respect their decision, even I can't resist taking the piss from time to time.

The argument for vegetarianism is laid out clearly at http://www.vegsoc.org/, or if you want something a bit more hardcore, go to http://www.vegansociety.com/. For a cheap thrill you can visit http://www.jarvisproducts.com/, who are suppliers to the slaughterhouse trade, and have an extensive range of lung guns, and skull splitters, and spinal cord removers.

Masturbation

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Bad Film

They just tried to make me watch Larry Clark's 'shocking and controversial' film, Kids (1995). It's all about a bunch of underage kids doing sex, drugs, petty crime, and mindless violence. I lasted about 45 minutes, then I walked out. Not because I was shocked and controversialised, I was just completely uninterested. For a gritty piece of documentary realism, I found it incredibly contrived and artificial. Chloe Sevigny's technique, the only 'real' actor amidst of a bunch of mumbling Noo Yoik lunkheads, stuck out like a sore thumb. She was the only character given reaction shots. Was this a dramatic device intended to gain audience sympathy for her character, or simply because she was the only person on set capable of handling it? Whichever, it created a glaring imbalance in the film. The skateboard gang attack in the park was equally unconvincing. The shot of the unconcious guy's mashed up face was there purely to say, "Isn't this terrible? Aren't you shocked?" To make a genuinely disturbing film, that shot should have been left out. There are inumerable other things wrong with the movie, but life's too short to go into them.
I've seen one other film directed by Larry Clark. It's called Teenage Caveman (2002), and it's also about kids doing sex and drugs and violence, except it's set in a post apocalyptic future. It's still shite.
Larry Clark used to be a bloody good photographer. If you go to http://www.artnet.de/awc/larry-clark.html you'll find several of his photos, all as fine as the homoerotic goody up there in the top left corner.